So Many Motions

Getting ahead of myself


Today, while taking my beloved dog-brother Beau for a walk, I finally had what I can honestly say is my first and truest feelings of loss and longing for Cambodia.

It started out as any typical walk with dog-brother Beau. It was dusk, and to me, it felt cool, almost chilly. And I thought to myself "Gee, I wonder if it still feels hot as balls to the other Minnesotans around here because I could sure use a sweater right now." I still have Cambodia in my blood because this "heat" everyone is experiencing is only the tip of the iceberg as far as Cambodian standards for heat go.
But back to my story.

Beau and I walked toward the Minnehaha Falls. I usually let him lead the way. I think he enjoys people making comments about how cute he is (or am I projecting here? Yeah, I love it when people tell him how cute he is.) We wandered toward the park, he did his business, and I dutifully picked up his business like any good older sister would do. On the way, I noticed a cardinal perched atop a tree along the creek. The sun-setting light glowed against the feathers of the cardinal making it shine such a brilliant red, so much so that I convinced myself for a second that maybe someone lost their brightly colored pet parrot. But no, it was only a cardinal but it sang its song sweetly and made me happy.

Then suddenly, with the falls misting in the background, I saw a familiar image across the chest of someone's t-shirt. To any other person, the simple graphic design might have looked like a few vertical squiggles on a shirt. But, I saw the elephants. Immediately, I stammered, and nearly tripped over my feet, to this woman that I am sorry for interrupting her, her friend, and her baby and asked her if she'd been to Cambodia. She said "yes, about a year and a half ago" and I continued to stammer to her that I served in Peace Corps there and got back about a year ago. She thanked me for my service and she said that she didn't think Peace Corps Volunteers received enough (or any...(well deserved)) recognition for their service. I said that I couldn't agree more. We serve our country as warriors of peace. We don't carry guns while walking through foreign lands.

I thanked her and we all carried on our separate and merry ways. Unfortunately, my initial feeling of happiness from the interaction was quickly overcome by sadness. And I couldn't pinpoint exactly why or where it was coming from at first. It took me a little bit of time...and a little bit of quiet crying while walking through happy picnicking groups of friends and families. Me, lowering my head so my hair partially covered my face so no one would accidentally see my tears or hear my soft sobs...

It's not weird for anyone to see a grown woman crying while walking her dog, is it?

Why so sad?


And then I understood what it was. I have subtly, or maybe not so subtly, been doing it for a little while now. It was that brief connection to the place I called home, be it bitterly or affectionately, for two years. For the most part nowadays, I am repressing my Cambodian life. The reason for this repression is because I lack an appropriate avenue to channel my Cambodian Life; the stories, the feelings, the frustrations, the suffering, and the love that all went along with living there. Sure, I can text or message my other Peace Corps friends but it's not always enough. Exactly how it was never enough to Skype or e-mail friends and family back home while I was in Cambodia. There needs to be a direct connection or it sometimes ends up falling kind of flat. Am I making sense?

It doesn't really matter if I am not making sense to anyone else. I get what I'm trying to say and I hope that maybe someone else out there can concur. Because I feel it all and I want other people to feel it all, too. You feelin' what I'm feelin'?

Either way, my not-so-subtle attempts to connect to Cambodia while being in America are weird and maybe even slightly offensive if I were a little bit more obvious about my mini-missions. I know, you're all like "What the hell are you talking about, Laura?"

Weeeeellll, let me tell you. I have, on more than one occasion, hovered around groups of people and families that have characteristics similar to those with Khmer ancestry in order to eavesdrop and find out whether they are truly Khmer......I always hope that someone will blurt out a couple of Khmer words. So then! Me! The awkward white girl standing nearby can awkwardly chime in? I don't really know how this would all pan out if it actually happened. In Cambodia, the novelty of the awkward white girl speaking Khmer kind of lost its allure after a while...when I could no longer understand the questions or possibly answered a question completely wrong and likely and unknowingly offended someone. So who knows how it would conclude if I intruded on a family outing of some unwitting strangers! Knowing me, and I know me pretty well, I will probably still try to attempt these mini-missions of mine. And why? Because I lack what most people would call "tact."

So...yeeeeahhhh, I know. Is that terrible? It's terrible. But I don't really care because a significant part of my life experience is being repressed and I'm finally starting to come to terms with this reality of mine. I have identified several ways that I can nourish this part of myself but as per my usual "style," I am procrastinating. The first step is acceptance. And I have accepted! And the proof is right here in this very blog post that I wrote after my walk with Beau. But not until after I ate straight from the carton of rocky road ice cream which is in my triathlon training plan. It says that "at least once a week, eat straight from the ice cream carton." And so, as I am training very seriously, and am obviously a staunch rule follower, I abide.
But really, I feel a lot better after writing this than I did once I put the ice cream away.

I miss Cambodia.

THERE!! I said it!!! Are you happy now?!

Yes, I am Laura. Thank you.
You're welcome, Laura.

Here! Have a baby! Be happy!
PHEW! That felt good to get off my chest.

EXPECTING

SURPRISE!!

By this time, I would have already birthed my secret Cambodia baby. Fortunately (unfortunately?) nothing THAT life changing - Facebook life event creating - has happened since my return to the Land of the Free. It has not been easy. But not in the way many people assume it to be uneasy.
Culture shock?
Psshhhhhhaaaah.
Culture is easy now that internet rules the world. And let us not forget that I lived in America for almost 27 years before I left it for a mere 2 years to live in a hut*.

*I did not live in a hut.

But one thing that I thought I would regain somewhat quickly upon my return to America; Freedom, was not as clear cut and far from easy to obtain. (Note: I have yet to gain entrance into the Freedom Level) When I think of Freedom, I picture a caps lock “INDEPENDENCE” and when I picture “INDEPENDENCE” I also picture a “job” and a “not living with parents” tagging along with it.


My role model: George Costanza


Guess what? I am not FREE. As far as #firstworldproblems and #whitepeopleproblems go, I gots them and they are convoluted and obtuse. But all I wanted while I sat and daydreamed in my dimly lit room in Cambodia was to have my OWN life. I have spent most of my life trying to please others and trying to not “let people down” rather than focusing on WHAT I WANTED or NEEDED. So, once I realized I wasn't going to achieve the kind of greatness I anticipated (or the greatness that others anticipated) while in Cambodia, I turned into myself and became a hermit.
It was a hard shot to swallow.

I always imagined myself being THE IDEAL PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER. But I wasn't and it's over and thank goodness and I'm home; let's get on with the show, okay? Ehhhh, or let's just fail and fail and keeping failing and feeling like a failure and failing at the failing and fail again. Okay?

Most of the time, when I think about my life in Cambodia, it feels unreal. Was I really there? Where did it all go? How come I can't FEEL it anymore? Am I a terrible person because I feel so detached from an experience that should be so-called “Life Changing” or “the hardest job you'll ever love”?

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER. I FINISHED PEACE CORPS.


There is so much pressure put on a Peace Corps Volunteer, and maybe even more pressure for a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. We should all be going back to America and CONTINUE MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. Right?
Or...OR STAY IN THAT THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND CONTINUE TO DO AMAZING SELFLESS THINGS THAT PEOPLE WILL ADORE YOU FOR AND CONTINUALLY SING YOUR PRAISES TO RELATIVES IN THE STATES. YAH. Sorry I didn't do that, folks.

PUG LIFE.


Am I the only RPCV that isn't doing this?
NO.

And am I the only RPCV that didn't make glacier-sized changes in their villages?
HELL – TO - THE - NO.

Clearly, I am still trying to make sense of all that happened to me in the past 2+ years, but also I haven't done enough of that kind of “figuring out.” The world around me has not allowed for me to really analyze (if I was an analytical person, I mean) what happened to me physically and emotionally while I excreted my soul out of every possible orifice found on my body.

Throw back drawing from a year ago #lauraxdoodles


Side note:
According to StrengthsFinder 2.0, I am not necessarily an ACHIEVER. But I really wish I was. How can I achieve “ACHIEVER” status? How many episodes of X Files do I have to watch on Netflix to achieve the “ACHIEVER” status?

Oh, what's that you say? That's not “necessarily” a “characteristic” of a “person” “usually” “considered” “an” “ACHIEVER”? Well, that's dumb. I'm going to write my own book called StrongestWeaknessFinder 4000 and I will become an overnight sensation amongst gamers and gift shop workers*.

*I love gamers (COUGH, my brother) and I pretty much work at an extraordinary gift shop.


MOTIVATION.


and just because:

It's true.



But let me turn this lazy Susan around and tell you that this hasn't ALL been just a big super let down for me.

Facebook, as much as it is an evil insentient being, has helped me. Even though I wasn't really searching for sympathy, I posted status updates about my life as an unemployed loser and friends and family reached out to me in ways I never anticipated. I had many friends sympathizing with me over the ginormous woes of job-searching and the inevitable and endless rejections that follow. However, even more inspiring and energizing was the amount of people encouraging me to finally follow my PASSION. A conversation I had with my friend Adin really did it for me. He said “...now that I'm doing something that i'm really into, it just seems like all that failure and frustration was EXACTLY what i needed to get where I am.” (And I did not get his permission to quote him but this quote was pulled via facebook so I say I own the rights to his words.) We talked about self-sabotage, played the Beastie Boys song, got pumped up, and finally he said:

“just fucking play this track on repeat, make a fucking coffee table book....max out your credit cards to publish it.”


“How can I not do what I love to do?”

- Adin Horovitz

I was putting so much pressure on myself to get a “JOB-JOB” that could keep me comfortable financially while also maintaining my status as a good person by working in the non-profit sector, but clearly that wasn't working out for me because no one wanted to hire me. I was spending a lot of time writing meaningful, well-written cover letters for many different non-profit organizations. But the odds were never ever in my favor. Cover letters are nearly obsolete nowadays if your resume isn't perfectly catered for every job you're applying for.

The work wasn't worth the pain of being ignored or rejected by employers on a daily basis.

So I finally took Adin's and many other supportive friend's words seriously. I grew up wanting to be an artist but was told numerous times, even by teachers I respected, that I would be a starving artist. Well, you know what? I won't be starving if I keep living with my parents!!! HAHAHAH SUCKAS!!!! So I decided to make my dream a reality or at least begin the process. I will become a real artist no matter what it takes.

How terrifying.

JUNKET (One of my amazing places of employment) business card that finally got me thinking.


And slowly things started to happen.

I bought a domain name.

www.lauraxolson.com

My friend Vunley amazingly and effortless helped me create my website. That guy is like Neo from the Matrix but Cambodian Neo.

VUNLEY IN THE MATRIX.



I made sweet business cards.

hand made business cards vs. FANCY REAL!


And I pushed my website out to the facebook world. Thank you, Facebook. It is a network with many flaws but regardless, it has helped me promote my art and I am very much so pleased with this feature.

I have been payed for my art. And that is an incredible feeling. I sold a drawing that I enjoyed making and thought to myself “Wow, that was worth 22 hours of babysitting.” I NEED TO DO MORE OF THIS SELLING MY ART THING. I should be getting paid for my skills.

I am not exactly where I want to be in life yet but I am happy with what I am doing so far and the direction my life is going. It's not easy but I never expected it to be easy and that's why I avoided it for so long. But let's all stop and think about this statement for a second:

YOLO.


Life is too short, my friends.
Do what you love.