I'm paranoid that people don't like me. I think it's maybe...sort of...a little bit normal for a foreigner living in a foreign world to never really know how people think of them. Culture is different, social cues are different, communication is completely different. So for me, it's easy to start questioning how genuine the relationships I've created really truly are.
I'm definitely an American when it comes to socializing (is it American? I forgot already.) To me, eye contact is the most important social interaction tool. It's important to make eye contact with everyone involved in the conversation, to assure that everyone involved feels included. For most of my child-like adulthood, I have taken it somewhat (and quietly) personal when a person does not make specific eye contact with me. I'm so paranoid at times, that I make a point to observe this particular person's eye contact patterns. I ask myself "who are they making eye contact with?" "why aren't they making eye contact with me?" "do they not like me?" "why don't they like me?" And once I pick up on my paranoid observations (delusions), I begin to believe them simply because I think I have excellent skills in reading other people's body language.
This is a very unproductive and damaging way to think. I realize that. BUT I CAN'T STOP IT!
I've unfortunately taken this evil paranoid habit along with me to Cambodia. And you know what? It was a really really bad idea. I could have packed another shirt or perhaps a better bra but no. I just brought my terrible habit and fear that someone won't or doesn't like me.
I don't know about you guys but these eyes (are cryin')...read to me as straight up fear
As I was saying, eye contact is a very Western social tool. Not so much in South East Asia. In some places, particularly in Cambodia, making eye contact with another person can be seen as offensive or possibly rude. This is not a rule by any means, but it does exist especially between opposite sexes. It can be an especially big no-no for a woman to make eye contact (especially especially prolonged eye contact) with a man. Although Cambodia is progressing as a nation and is beginning to treat men and women more equally, eye contact however, is still not a big part of socialization for Cambodians.
While my paranoia about eye contact was a little much in America, in Cambodia it is absurd, obsolete, ridiculous! And yet, I still use it because I thought it was so handy back in the US of A. But what I'm learning now is that it wasn't handy anywhere, ever.
It is detrimental to my relationship building and I can see now that I'm only hurting myself. It is hard to live in a foreign country. It is REALLY hard to live in a household in a foreign country. I don't speak the language very well and I don't have amazing Khmer body language reading skills. I can't always tell when a person here is having a bad day or just wants to keep to themselves. Therefore I can't take it personally if I don't get the smile I was hoping for or the right amount of eye contact when someone is talking to me.
I'm learning that the kind of socializing that is most important in Cambodia is simply being present with one another, sharing meals together, and spending time with one another. I need to stop obsessing over everyone's micro-expressions and just be happy where I am. Because how many times do you see an elephant walking down your street in America?
I chased this elephant down with my ice coffee and camera in hand.
Also, if you're at all interested in reading a cool book about faces, micro-expressions, and the history of the face - I totally recommend reading the book "The Face: A Natural History" by Daniel McNeill. It's an awesome interesting book that I will probably read again.
Hearts & Farts
Laurax
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