So Many Motions

Getting ahead of myself


Today, while taking my beloved dog-brother Beau for a walk, I finally had what I can honestly say is my first and truest feelings of loss and longing for Cambodia.

It started out as any typical walk with dog-brother Beau. It was dusk, and to me, it felt cool, almost chilly. And I thought to myself "Gee, I wonder if it still feels hot as balls to the other Minnesotans around here because I could sure use a sweater right now." I still have Cambodia in my blood because this "heat" everyone is experiencing is only the tip of the iceberg as far as Cambodian standards for heat go.
But back to my story.

Beau and I walked toward the Minnehaha Falls. I usually let him lead the way. I think he enjoys people making comments about how cute he is (or am I projecting here? Yeah, I love it when people tell him how cute he is.) We wandered toward the park, he did his business, and I dutifully picked up his business like any good older sister would do. On the way, I noticed a cardinal perched atop a tree along the creek. The sun-setting light glowed against the feathers of the cardinal making it shine such a brilliant red, so much so that I convinced myself for a second that maybe someone lost their brightly colored pet parrot. But no, it was only a cardinal but it sang its song sweetly and made me happy.

Then suddenly, with the falls misting in the background, I saw a familiar image across the chest of someone's t-shirt. To any other person, the simple graphic design might have looked like a few vertical squiggles on a shirt. But, I saw the elephants. Immediately, I stammered, and nearly tripped over my feet, to this woman that I am sorry for interrupting her, her friend, and her baby and asked her if she'd been to Cambodia. She said "yes, about a year and a half ago" and I continued to stammer to her that I served in Peace Corps there and got back about a year ago. She thanked me for my service and she said that she didn't think Peace Corps Volunteers received enough (or any...(well deserved)) recognition for their service. I said that I couldn't agree more. We serve our country as warriors of peace. We don't carry guns while walking through foreign lands.

I thanked her and we all carried on our separate and merry ways. Unfortunately, my initial feeling of happiness from the interaction was quickly overcome by sadness. And I couldn't pinpoint exactly why or where it was coming from at first. It took me a little bit of time...and a little bit of quiet crying while walking through happy picnicking groups of friends and families. Me, lowering my head so my hair partially covered my face so no one would accidentally see my tears or hear my soft sobs...

It's not weird for anyone to see a grown woman crying while walking her dog, is it?

Why so sad?


And then I understood what it was. I have subtly, or maybe not so subtly, been doing it for a little while now. It was that brief connection to the place I called home, be it bitterly or affectionately, for two years. For the most part nowadays, I am repressing my Cambodian life. The reason for this repression is because I lack an appropriate avenue to channel my Cambodian Life; the stories, the feelings, the frustrations, the suffering, and the love that all went along with living there. Sure, I can text or message my other Peace Corps friends but it's not always enough. Exactly how it was never enough to Skype or e-mail friends and family back home while I was in Cambodia. There needs to be a direct connection or it sometimes ends up falling kind of flat. Am I making sense?

It doesn't really matter if I am not making sense to anyone else. I get what I'm trying to say and I hope that maybe someone else out there can concur. Because I feel it all and I want other people to feel it all, too. You feelin' what I'm feelin'?

Either way, my not-so-subtle attempts to connect to Cambodia while being in America are weird and maybe even slightly offensive if I were a little bit more obvious about my mini-missions. I know, you're all like "What the hell are you talking about, Laura?"

Weeeeellll, let me tell you. I have, on more than one occasion, hovered around groups of people and families that have characteristics similar to those with Khmer ancestry in order to eavesdrop and find out whether they are truly Khmer......I always hope that someone will blurt out a couple of Khmer words. So then! Me! The awkward white girl standing nearby can awkwardly chime in? I don't really know how this would all pan out if it actually happened. In Cambodia, the novelty of the awkward white girl speaking Khmer kind of lost its allure after a while...when I could no longer understand the questions or possibly answered a question completely wrong and likely and unknowingly offended someone. So who knows how it would conclude if I intruded on a family outing of some unwitting strangers! Knowing me, and I know me pretty well, I will probably still try to attempt these mini-missions of mine. And why? Because I lack what most people would call "tact."

So...yeeeeahhhh, I know. Is that terrible? It's terrible. But I don't really care because a significant part of my life experience is being repressed and I'm finally starting to come to terms with this reality of mine. I have identified several ways that I can nourish this part of myself but as per my usual "style," I am procrastinating. The first step is acceptance. And I have accepted! And the proof is right here in this very blog post that I wrote after my walk with Beau. But not until after I ate straight from the carton of rocky road ice cream which is in my triathlon training plan. It says that "at least once a week, eat straight from the ice cream carton." And so, as I am training very seriously, and am obviously a staunch rule follower, I abide.
But really, I feel a lot better after writing this than I did once I put the ice cream away.

I miss Cambodia.

THERE!! I said it!!! Are you happy now?!

Yes, I am Laura. Thank you.
You're welcome, Laura.

Here! Have a baby! Be happy!
PHEW! That felt good to get off my chest.

EXPECTING

SURPRISE!!

By this time, I would have already birthed my secret Cambodia baby. Fortunately (unfortunately?) nothing THAT life changing - Facebook life event creating - has happened since my return to the Land of the Free. It has not been easy. But not in the way many people assume it to be uneasy.
Culture shock?
Psshhhhhhaaaah.
Culture is easy now that internet rules the world. And let us not forget that I lived in America for almost 27 years before I left it for a mere 2 years to live in a hut*.

*I did not live in a hut.

But one thing that I thought I would regain somewhat quickly upon my return to America; Freedom, was not as clear cut and far from easy to obtain. (Note: I have yet to gain entrance into the Freedom Level) When I think of Freedom, I picture a caps lock “INDEPENDENCE” and when I picture “INDEPENDENCE” I also picture a “job” and a “not living with parents” tagging along with it.


My role model: George Costanza


Guess what? I am not FREE. As far as #firstworldproblems and #whitepeopleproblems go, I gots them and they are convoluted and obtuse. But all I wanted while I sat and daydreamed in my dimly lit room in Cambodia was to have my OWN life. I have spent most of my life trying to please others and trying to not “let people down” rather than focusing on WHAT I WANTED or NEEDED. So, once I realized I wasn't going to achieve the kind of greatness I anticipated (or the greatness that others anticipated) while in Cambodia, I turned into myself and became a hermit.
It was a hard shot to swallow.

I always imagined myself being THE IDEAL PEACE CORPS VOLUNTEER. But I wasn't and it's over and thank goodness and I'm home; let's get on with the show, okay? Ehhhh, or let's just fail and fail and keeping failing and feeling like a failure and failing at the failing and fail again. Okay?

Most of the time, when I think about my life in Cambodia, it feels unreal. Was I really there? Where did it all go? How come I can't FEEL it anymore? Am I a terrible person because I feel so detached from an experience that should be so-called “Life Changing” or “the hardest job you'll ever love”?

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER. I FINISHED PEACE CORPS.


There is so much pressure put on a Peace Corps Volunteer, and maybe even more pressure for a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer. We should all be going back to America and CONTINUE MAKING THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE. Right?
Or...OR STAY IN THAT THIRD WORLD COUNTRY AND CONTINUE TO DO AMAZING SELFLESS THINGS THAT PEOPLE WILL ADORE YOU FOR AND CONTINUALLY SING YOUR PRAISES TO RELATIVES IN THE STATES. YAH. Sorry I didn't do that, folks.

PUG LIFE.


Am I the only RPCV that isn't doing this?
NO.

And am I the only RPCV that didn't make glacier-sized changes in their villages?
HELL – TO - THE - NO.

Clearly, I am still trying to make sense of all that happened to me in the past 2+ years, but also I haven't done enough of that kind of “figuring out.” The world around me has not allowed for me to really analyze (if I was an analytical person, I mean) what happened to me physically and emotionally while I excreted my soul out of every possible orifice found on my body.

Throw back drawing from a year ago #lauraxdoodles


Side note:
According to StrengthsFinder 2.0, I am not necessarily an ACHIEVER. But I really wish I was. How can I achieve “ACHIEVER” status? How many episodes of X Files do I have to watch on Netflix to achieve the “ACHIEVER” status?

Oh, what's that you say? That's not “necessarily” a “characteristic” of a “person” “usually” “considered” “an” “ACHIEVER”? Well, that's dumb. I'm going to write my own book called StrongestWeaknessFinder 4000 and I will become an overnight sensation amongst gamers and gift shop workers*.

*I love gamers (COUGH, my brother) and I pretty much work at an extraordinary gift shop.


MOTIVATION.


and just because:

It's true.



But let me turn this lazy Susan around and tell you that this hasn't ALL been just a big super let down for me.

Facebook, as much as it is an evil insentient being, has helped me. Even though I wasn't really searching for sympathy, I posted status updates about my life as an unemployed loser and friends and family reached out to me in ways I never anticipated. I had many friends sympathizing with me over the ginormous woes of job-searching and the inevitable and endless rejections that follow. However, even more inspiring and energizing was the amount of people encouraging me to finally follow my PASSION. A conversation I had with my friend Adin really did it for me. He said “...now that I'm doing something that i'm really into, it just seems like all that failure and frustration was EXACTLY what i needed to get where I am.” (And I did not get his permission to quote him but this quote was pulled via facebook so I say I own the rights to his words.) We talked about self-sabotage, played the Beastie Boys song, got pumped up, and finally he said:

“just fucking play this track on repeat, make a fucking coffee table book....max out your credit cards to publish it.”


“How can I not do what I love to do?”

- Adin Horovitz

I was putting so much pressure on myself to get a “JOB-JOB” that could keep me comfortable financially while also maintaining my status as a good person by working in the non-profit sector, but clearly that wasn't working out for me because no one wanted to hire me. I was spending a lot of time writing meaningful, well-written cover letters for many different non-profit organizations. But the odds were never ever in my favor. Cover letters are nearly obsolete nowadays if your resume isn't perfectly catered for every job you're applying for.

The work wasn't worth the pain of being ignored or rejected by employers on a daily basis.

So I finally took Adin's and many other supportive friend's words seriously. I grew up wanting to be an artist but was told numerous times, even by teachers I respected, that I would be a starving artist. Well, you know what? I won't be starving if I keep living with my parents!!! HAHAHAH SUCKAS!!!! So I decided to make my dream a reality or at least begin the process. I will become a real artist no matter what it takes.

How terrifying.

JUNKET (One of my amazing places of employment) business card that finally got me thinking.


And slowly things started to happen.

I bought a domain name.

www.lauraxolson.com

My friend Vunley amazingly and effortless helped me create my website. That guy is like Neo from the Matrix but Cambodian Neo.

VUNLEY IN THE MATRIX.



I made sweet business cards.

hand made business cards vs. FANCY REAL!


And I pushed my website out to the facebook world. Thank you, Facebook. It is a network with many flaws but regardless, it has helped me promote my art and I am very much so pleased with this feature.

I have been payed for my art. And that is an incredible feeling. I sold a drawing that I enjoyed making and thought to myself “Wow, that was worth 22 hours of babysitting.” I NEED TO DO MORE OF THIS SELLING MY ART THING. I should be getting paid for my skills.

I am not exactly where I want to be in life yet but I am happy with what I am doing so far and the direction my life is going. It's not easy but I never expected it to be easy and that's why I avoided it for so long. But let's all stop and think about this statement for a second:

YOLO.


Life is too short, my friends.
Do what you love.

So this is goodbye?

Classic Cambodia


I just collected my first ever stool sample. And it was awkward. A little bit embarrassing even though I was alone in the bathroom. I felt like a scientist. But it was also gross. I mean, we're talking POOP here, people. Fortunately, I get to repeat the process two more times before I leave Cambodia so I can work on mastering the art of stool sample collection. (10,000 hours away from becoming a stool sampling master!!!! JAZZ HANDS!!!)

Another thing I am attempting to master is the art of saying goodbye. My other PCV friends keep saying that they're “so bad at goodbyes” and they're not sure if they're doing it right but then I ask them “who is really good at saying goodbyes anyway?” Is that a thing? Something you'd put in an OKCupid profile?

Somethings you're good at:

Drinking a gallon of water in 2 minutes
Playing sitar
Saying “Goodbyes”

Maybe some people are more skilled at knowing the right things to say at the very last goodbye. Maybe some people just let their tears do the talking. Maybe some people just sneak away in the dark of night, avoiding the goodbyes all together. Or maybe some of us lack the right words → but are plentiful with awkward half sentences and have the intense urge to cry but stifle our own emotions because crying in public is something we've been told is just weird in Khmer culture (or maybe even in American culture a little bit?)

Either way, I fall into the latter category.

Biking By Grandpa Goodbye


I've been counting down to this moment for a long time now and because of this, I have built up my “goodbye to the village” moment in my head a lot. I have also built up my “Hello America!” moment in my head way too much. And now that I'm actually leaving, I think I will be disappointed in the lack of fanfare and parades I was expecting my friends in the village to organize for me. And so this last week in the village has left me feeling kind of empty. It's a hard emotion to pinpoint. People aren't reacting the way I expected them to react when I tell them I'm leaving but how should they react? Should they be bawling their eyes out, pulling out their hair, falling to their knees, hanging onto my leg begging me not to leave as I drag them along the dirt road? YES. Absolutely, yes.

And to my surprise, this is not happening. As my friend and fellow PCV Maria said it “Everyone in the village is business as usual.” Because everyone here is still working, doing their thing to make it another day, and making sure to eat enough rice to maintain their power. But me? I've finished my two year stint as a Peace Corps Volunteer so it's time to go home. Wham, bam, thank you ma'am? Not quite. After two years of struggling and not feeling accomplished, I finally feel like I am equipped to actually start doing my job well. My language skills are....ehhh, so-so. But I finally feel like I have a good rhythm and rapport with the health center staff, enough so that I could feel comfortable asking (forcing?) certain staff members to help me work on projects. And it pains me to think that I'm leaving now, when I now have the confidence to really do something meaningful and sustainable. Two years is not enough time to make any kind of significant developmental progress. Two years is especially not long enough for one lone PCV in one small village that doesn't really know what to do with a PCV. But, on the other hand, TWO YEARS is long time to be away from home. Sure sure, in the large scope of things, if you're looking at an entire lifetime, 2 years isn't really that much but ask any PCV while in the nitty gritty middle parts of their Peace Corps service, TWO YEARS is so so so so so so long. It can feel like an eternity.

And then you get to the point of your Close of Service and you think “Wait! Nononono. I just got started...I...I haven't accomplished what I thought I was originally going to accomplish when I signed up for Peace Corps yet!!!”

Regardless of the struggles I've had here, this place, Cambodia, has become home. And it will be weird going back to America and going back for good. It won't be like my mini-vacations around Cambodia, or Malaysia, or India, where I return after a week or two. It's for good. Yeah sure, I plan on coming back to Cambodia someday in the far off future but the future is so fuzzy and unknown to me that it could be a really really long time till I return.

PP Street madness.


The fact that I don't know when the next time I'll sit at the dinner table with my host family, fighting off hungry cats and dogs, listening to my host mom tell a really funny story that I can't follow; this makes me very sad. I won't have my dirty and dusty market across the street from my house anymore. I won't have my overly sweetened ice coffee for 25 cents anymore. I have actually tolerated a few screaming “hellos” this week because I know I won't get those on a daily basis once I'm back home. And when I'm back, I have to find a REAL JOB that expects me to show up everyday and stay there for 8 HOURS!? That is just madness. What? No nap time? But I just ate lunch!
Adjusting back to the American lifestyle will be harder than it was adjusting to the Cambodian lifestyle. This I know.

All week long, I've felt strange. Drop a cold on top of that strangeness and I am up late at night, restless, tossing and turning, throwing my pillows across the room in a rage, unable to sleep or breathe properly. I want to cry but can't. It feels like something needs to get out...I mean, other than the never-ending snot marathon coming out of my nose. I don't know why I can't cry but I guess the levees just haven't been broken yet (when they do, you might wanna keep your distance.) And maybe I'm subconsciously waiting for the right (or absolutely worst) moment to let it all out.

Just like my feelings before I came to Cambodia; it didn't feel real. The weeks leading up to my journey to Cambodia didn't feel like a reality to me at the time. The moment it finally felt really real, that I was finally in Cambodia as a Peace Corps Volunteer, was when I found a chicken foot in a dish during lunch while still training in Phnom Penh. At that moment, I was not ready to encounter a chicken foot (skin, claws, and all) on my plate. But now, LAY IT ON ME! Yeah, sure, throw that cow brain in the soup! I'm not gonna eat the cow brain but I respect that other people find it delicious brain food. I respect that.

I gave the chicken foot to Neal, now he has chicken legs.


I will be leaving my village tomorrow but I know some parts of me will never leave. As much as I sometimes fight it, I will truly miss Cambodia and all of its wonderful scorching sunshine and flaws.

In closing:

Laurax Before (1st full day in Cambodia):

Who wants short hair again???


Laurax After:


Oh laura, you've aged.

Clouds.

Advice or something like it for the Future Ks of Peace Corps Cambodia or whoever feels like taking some free advice...or something like advice.


CLOUDS!!!!!


You guys,

There were times during my service when I allowed dark clouds to cover moments and interactions that could have been very very meaningful to myself and to others around me. Dark clouds, I know, cheesy and ominous, right? Whatever. Clouds are cool. I have allowed my anxiety (big dark cloud) and fear (another big dark cloud) to get in the way of having many rewarding moments during my service. That's not to say that I haven't had rewarding moments or a rewarding service. Because I have! I am, however, learning this late in the game and finally seeing things more clearly (I can see clearly now, the rain is gone....ehh? Ehh?...yeah. Okay.) I am finally letting go of a lot of my insecurities and frustrations (but don't get me wrong, quite a few insecurities and frustrations still exist. There are still days that I would like to peacefully punch people in the face...) I accumulated a lot of those (insecurities and frustrations) during my two years of service and I feel good finally letting go of some of them. Maybe this is because I know I'm going home really soon and feel happy about that but the fact that I am in Cambodia AND happy is a big deal. Being HAPPY in Cambodia is so much better than a lot of shit I've put myself through in this country. And that's not to say it will be smooth sailing until August 7th, but I think this will be my best months of my service because of my attitude. “Better late than never...” you say? Yes, I guess so. But maybe I can spare a small piece of advice to the future PCVs yet to come to Cambodia, the Kingdom of Wonder.

Some of this, these dark storm-boding clouds (hey it's raining right now!) is inevitable as a Peace Corps Volunteer. It's hard not to act strange and awkward in such a strange and awkward new environment. It's natural. So don't let it get to you; don't beat yourself up about it....to an extent. At some point, you have to just accept the strange and awkward environment. Endure the EXTREME discomfort. Feel misunderstood CONSTANTLY. Feel depressed OFTEN. Feel isolated, alone ALL THE TIME. Just let it happen. It's part of the experience. And if you let that happen, maybe from there, you will eventually let go and let yourself be accepted and loved within your community. It is MORE than possible in Cambodia. It is....INEVITABLE. (I love that word. For better or worse. It's gonna happen so you better be ready. The Khmer people will love you.)


I mean, how could you deny a face like this?


Like any relationship, it can't be completely perfect. And my relationship with Cambodia has been far from perfect. How do you expect to grow as a person if you want or expect things to stay stagnant? And isn't stagnant kinda a nasty word? Do you really want that word describing your relationship with anyone or anything? I don't. Eew. I think of dirty-nearly-dried-up pools of water, filled with pee and garbage juices (sick right?) Stagnant is not pretty in any way, shape, or form so why would you want a relationship of yours to become stagnant? Well I, for one, think that is what I was battling a lot during my service. I couldn't seem to have a solid good day. Or so I thought and dramatized in my mind. It would start out bad and just keep getting worse. Or it would start out great and then just plummet to the ground at 100kph. There were many times when I would ask myself or other volunteers “Why can't there ever be a HAPPY MEDIUM in Cambodia?” It felt impossible to me. You were either not pooping or you were pooping way too much (like seriously WAY too much. Like how is this humanly possible too much.) It was either raining too much or not enough (usually it's not enough.) For some reason, I wanted to live a more stagnant life in Cambodia because that would have been easier to handle, easier to understand, and easier to accept. But something important that I realized was how one good day, out of 30 bad days in Cambodia was SO WORTH IT. The good days in Cambodia are hilarious, awesome, and rewarding. So suck up that stagnant water and just let it happen! Ick! Ish! No spit it out. That's disgusting. Just enjoy the good days and possibly more will follow. Like, for example, you're sitting in your room with your fan blowing in your face and you see a mosquito floating around; the little bastard. And you go for him and BAM!!! You kill that em-effer in the first shot!!! Best day ever had.

And to be completely honest, I became APATHETIC, also a nasty word, during my Peace Corps Service. And I am embarrassed because of it. I let my fear and anxiety get the best of me during a great big chunk of my service and I'm seeing now, with less than 3 months left, how regrettable that decision was. It was not an immediately conscious decision on my part to isolate myself, but either way, it happened and I feel a great amount of regret because of it. But I continue to ask myself, what is the point of the emotion REGRET? Really? I'd like to know. I would like a knowledgeable and respected human being to explain to me a good reason for the emotion “regret” to exist because I can't necessarily think of a good reason off the top of my head. Any biological benefit to it?...But I digress, as usual.


91 year old Yay that doesn't wanna hear you piss and moan.


Along with my new found happiness (on more days than not) in Cambodia, I have also realized that I need to NOT BEAT MYSELF UP about how some of my service went. It happened already so I am learning to let go and focus on the now. Focusing on the NOW is something I've always had a hard time doing. I like to rehash things that have happened in the past but it's not healthy or productive. I need to just see what I did and know that I should act differently in the future. Rehashing shit ain't worth it. Unless it's leftover hashbrowns that you are refrying for lunch or something. I will allow that.

I am finally allowing myself to see the little things that I have contributed to my community. I have always cared much more about relationships in my life than my successes in work or school. When I didn't do well on a test, I would shrug and say “well, I didn't really study for this so I guess that's what I get.” But if I said something to a friend that upset them, I wouldn't be able to let it go. It would sit in my brain and circle around and around and around with worry. Now, I am seeing the relationships I've developed in my community and that is what I think truly matters. And I don't give a rats back-end how anyone else feels about that. My pig ladies, my noodle lady, my coffee lady, my nail and hair lady and her kids, the moto-taxi guys, the staff at the health center, my host family and their employees, the people that wave to me on my runs, the lady across from the high school, the guy that fixed my flat that one time, the bus lady...and I could go on. It is pretty cool to think that a little village in the middle of Cambodia is my second home and that people will remember me and talk about me once I'm good and gone. I hope most of it is good stuff.


And after a hard day, you might see something like this.



There was one day I was on a run and the Beyonce song “I Was Here” came on. It's NOT a good running song AT ALL but she was talking about making her mark on the world and making a difference in at least one person's life and that's all that mattered to her. That would be proof enough that she was here on this Earth. Or at least that's the way I understand the song. Anyway, regardless of the song's lack of runnability, it got me excited and inspired because I think I have accomplished what Beyonce was singing about. Even if I made a difference with only a handful of people or even just one person here, it was totally worth all the ups and downs that I endured during my service as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I guess I'm a little proud of myself.

In conclusion, let those clouds come and go during your service. Being there is the most important part. And clouds oftentimes bring monsoons in Cambodia and that means it's not going to be hot as balls outside...at least temporarily. Those clouds are gonna come whether you like it or not so you might as well just enjoy some sugary ice coffee at the market and get teased by the moto-taxi guys.


My moto-taxi guy friends drinking coffee.

a sense of place

My senior year of college I took an art course titled Topics. By the name itself you wouldn't think much of it but it was a coveted course and many enthusiastic art majors yearned to take it in their final year of overpriced highfalutin private liberal arts education. The draw of this course is that it is a precursor to your final senior art project in which your art is displayed in the pristine galleries of St Olaf College's famous Dittmann Art Center – a state of the art art facility with one of the best and fanciest ventilation systems you'll find in the nation. Topics is basically a semester long course to either test-drive an idea you have for your final senior show or to do something completely wacky and maybe piss off some people in the process. Or maybe I was the only one that wanted to piss some people off but I felt like it was my right, okay?


A Canoe in the Gallery, normal normal


An added mystery about Topics is just that; the topic. And the professor holds all the power to decide what the year's Topic will be (every year is a new topic.) John Saurer was one of my favorite professors up until that point because he liked my drawings and prints. (I mean, who could blame him? I'm like the most amazing artist ever in the world, amen.) He had a goofy demeanor and manner of speech. One thing he said all the time which I often repeat...to myself...is “Isn't that nice?” and he'd say it as he was carefully pointing at someone's interesting drawing. His curly mop and intense eyes only added to the effect. He is the quintessential “Art Teacher.” However I could say that about every single one of my art professors. There was the dreamy art professor that every girl (and boy) looked at all googily-eyed while he explained power tool safety in sculpture class, there was the turtleneck-sandals-with-black-socks-wearing professor that loved everything ever in the world especially if it vibrated with bright colors, and there was an art history professor that spoke with a such a slow droning robotic like voice that it put you right back to sleep during your 8AM class (I mean, come on! And the lights were always dimmed for the powerpoint presentation. This was before I knew how to drink coffee...)


The one and only Professor John Saurer



Prof J. Saurer, St. Colin Weaver, and Dreamy Prof Irve Dell


And back to the point. I had high hopes for the topic. We all did. We were all anxious to know the topic and create mind-blowing art that so perfectly expressed the topic through our own eyes that we'd simultaneously start a brand new groundbreaking art movement in the process. Because isn't that what every art major wants?

And then Professor John Saurer stands in front of the chalk board and slowly writes:

A....


Sense...



...of.....




…....Place.

Okay, I'm sorry but, what the feck? I was not impressed. My friend Loocis and I were not impressed (but we were kinda the misfits of the already misfit ridden art major scene.) I guess I never really took a lot of time to think about “a sense of place” or “my sense of place” in the world, in life, in the universe.

I do, however, have an extreme passion and love for the best place ever: the great city of Minneapolis. I have a strong sense of Minneapolis Patriotism. Does that count for “a sense of place”? For a while I made a point of saying I was from Minneapolis “proper” because there are many imposters out there claiming to be from “The Twin Cities.” But the problem here is that when some smear says they are from “The Twin Cities” they usually mean they are from some crumby eyesore of a suburb like Hopkins or even worse, Minnetonka. If you would, please, take a moment to think about what the word “twin” means you'd remember that it is something containing or consisting of two matching or corresponding parts. TWO. Not two plus 20 inferior, sidewalk-less parts. So let's just stick to “The Twin Cities” representing the two cities only, Minneapolis and St Paul.
And I'm done with my rant.
Maybe.


A sense of place can be good...


I was feeling awfully snarky my senior year of college and my response to the topic, A Sense of Place, was that I transcend place. I'm so just fancy, aren't I? I don't have a single place. I don't need a single place. I don't get attached. I just ride on. And I depicted my transcendence with detailed drawings of bicycle parts and my trademark doodles intertwined together. Aaaaand a ridiculous bike sculpture that was thrown away, probably by the groundskeeper when he tired of mowing around the awkward “art” piece in the lawn. John Sauer thought the drawings were “nice” but had a hard time grasping my interpretation of A Sense of Place.

Pah! Typical! Adults never understand. My artist's statement was a direct jab at him and a pretty vulgar one at that.
I mentioned my hyena pseudo-penis, if that says anything...


Ridiculous bike sculpture buried in the snow.

the bicycle drawings.


I've grownup a leeettle bit since that attempt at rebellion.And I've been away from home for almost 2 years now. What being away from home for this long has taught me is that I DO have a place. I have a great sense of place and it's home.
Minneapolis.
My parent's house.
In the perfect South Minneapolis neighborhood right on the Minnehaha Parkway.
Home is beckoning me. Home is haunting me in my dreams. When I have idle moments during the day (let's be honest, the whole day is a big idle moment) I imagine my neighborhood. Very particular parts of my neighborhood that for some reason stick out more than others. The hill along the creek that nestles all the geese and ducks. The parkway in my front yard. The bridge that my friend Annie and I climbed on like a jungle gym all summer long when we were still wearing matching pink overalls. I imagine taking my dog Beau for walks all the time. I imagine swimming at the little beach on Lake Nokomis, trying to re-re-teach myself to swim. Walking by the Mississippi River where the Minnehaha Creek spews out into it, the water disconcertingly foamy. Running down the path toward Lake Hiawatha; no feral dogs to worry about.

the creek and ducks.



Mr. Beau takes a walk!

You guys, I'm really excited to go home. I never realized how important home was to me until I left it completely.


The Minnehaha Falls.




Minnehaha and Hiawatha, I presume.

p. diddy

Public Service Announcement:

I am a card carrying fan of the squattie pottie. Are you familiar with this primarily Eastern world essential piece of water closet equipment? I am pretty sure the last time we met, [put link to blog post here] I was discussing a problem of mine that I had in the bathroom so maybe I already explained the squattie pottie beyond the reaches of whatever you ever really needed to know?

I disagree. I don't think you know enough about the squattie pottie. Until you try the squattie pottie yourself and then install your own squattie pottie in your personal water closet in your American abode do you really know enough about the squattie pottie. Ya hear? And let me emphasize the importance of a butt sprayer. BUTT SPRAYER. You need it in your life. You will not realize how disgusting the idea of toilet paper, alone in sticky bathroom situations, truly is until you ditch the T.P. for 2 years and indulge in a handheld shower for your bunghole.

The butt sprayer is something that can be a tricky tool or perhaps, in some instances, a weapon to your very own derrière. You must test the intensity of a butt sprayer before you put it into action. If you don't test it out, you could end up giving yourself a personal enema and you don't want that, now do you?

But I'm not really here to warn you about these potential squattie pottie scenarios. I'm not really good at advice. I am good at making mistakes that I hope no one ever replicates in human history. And if history repeats itself, I have proof here on this blog that I did indeed warn the public, at least the "Laurax doodles in Khmer" blog reading public. Liability expunged?

Very much in the same way my previous blog post began, I was enjoying a few brewskis with my friends in the comfort of my home. (And now the people are wondering "Does Laura just drink beer in Cambodia?" It's debatable. But in my defense, this was the beginning of Khmer New Year which is an endless celebration for some.) I also had my good friend Stacy there as a wing woman/buffer/BAMF/etc. So we are being over fed an array of beer drinking foods, something Khmer people like to call "clime" (these are my best phonetics.) In America I think good "clime" would be potato chips, cheetos...uuhhhhh....pizza? It's been a while. What do Americans eat while drinking beer nowadays? I have no idea. "Clime" in Cambodia usually includes an array of meats and sauces to dip the meats in. And the ultimate Khmer snack: Pongtia Goan (some people think it should be spelled like this: pong tia koon ពងទាកូន <- Khmer all the way, baby.) You can click on that link to find the all knowing wikipedia page about it. I was turned on to pongtia goan, or partially developed duck embryo (uh, yeah I know...) somewhere around November 2013. I was a late bloomer but have not looked back since then. The main draw for me are the garnishes that accompany the egg - a chili garlic sauce, a pepper-salt-MSG-lime sauce, and little green leaves. "Eat, don't look" is my strategy. Also, "don't knock it till you try it."


Partially developed duck embryo. Try it, you'll like it!


And the night is full of cheers, laughter, and eating until it's time to break the seal. We reteach our friends what "break the seal" means and that that is what I am about to embark on. I walk around a couple of construction trucks to one of my family's 9 toilets. The squattie pottie awaits me, but has an unidentifiable object floating in it which I try to flush down with buckets of water. It doesn't go down so I decide to pee anyway. I complete my mission and try to flush the unidentifiable object down again. A couple of buckets poured down but the unidentifiable object is standing its ground. I stop and finally take a hard look at the unidentifiable object (did I mention it's dark in the stall? for some reason there's only a light outside of the toilet and not actually in the toilet.) The unidentifiable object is breathing? I get down and analyze the object and it is, indeed, a baby chick. A baby chicken is submerged in the squattie pottie toilet water. Gasping for air after I water boarded it a couple of times. OH. MY. GOD.

And what is the most logical thing to do? Reach into the squattie pottie water and scoop up the baby chick. I carry my now identifiable little winged friend and present him to my friends. In a somewhat squealing voice I say "Look at what I just peed on!" I think I said this in both English and attempted to explain what I did in Khmer. Once everyone completely understood the situation (in which I reacted to with great exaggerating hysterics) everyone laughed at me. My host mom told me to put the chick down and covered it with a food cover so the dogs wouldn't try to eat it after its already near death experience.

I went back to the water cisterns and quietly giggled to myself at the ridiculousness of what I just did. I felt like I had done something that changed my life for eternity. I could never turn back or fully recover from this incident. My life changed forever the moment I peed on a baby chick.

The excitement dulled down and we continued our small celebration. But my thoughts still strayed back to my baby chick. And that was when I decided to name it P. Diddy.

The lesson I learned in all of this was that squattie potties, as perfect as they are for doing your business, have dangers that are not always visible to the naked eye. And in conclusion, please PLEASE install a squattie pottie but please PLEASE, make sure you baby chick proof it immediately after installation.


Grown up P.Diddy.

Laurax's 10 commandments of Life & Lurve*

*Love

Today I'm taking this blog to a whole 'nother level and it may seem weird and maybe not something other people want to read but I felt impelled to write it. I've divulged enough dirt about myself on this bloggy-thing so why not talk about relationships? But please, don't anyone go and have an anxiety attack now. I'm just going to talk about what I've learned about myself and relationships so far.

I have made major mistakes when it comes to relationships in my life (ummm, who hasn't?) Your 20s are meant to be a relationship trial phase, right? (...for some, at least.) You have to make mistakes and hopefully learn from them in order to know what's right for yourself and what you want with a partner. I've found that the plus side of being isolated in a village is I have hours upon hours of time to think about all those mistakes and analyze them down to the last embarrassingly idiotic detail. Things be gettin' beat like a dead horse over here. That poor dead horse.

Anyway, it hit me! Like a dead cat slapped across my face. (That poor dead cat.) While taking my post Insanity-workout-shower (Everyone! Be proud of me for actually showering after working out! Yay Laura!) I thought about yet another embarrassing and upsetting relationship mistake amidst scrubbing down with Old Spice body wash (best stuff ever, btw. I'd like to thank my Aunt Barb for sending it to me.) And I thought to myself “Laura, you can't compromise your own values and ideas (or sanity) in a relationship. And you can't ignore those red flags anymore.” Then I thought I'd write my own 10 commandments to keep in mind before I decide to step into uncharted relationship territory ever again. And for the record, I will be sailing no relationships through the sea of love anytime soon. So back off, suitors!

In reality I'm really just holding out on Rob Lowe. I know he's happily married and all but he really doesn't know what he's missing. Seriously. To me, Rob Lowe, you are perfect.



So! With no further ado...here they are!
Laurax's 10 Commandments of Life & Lurve:

1. Thou shall, first and foremost, recognize your own value, intelligence, and beauty. #flawless

2. Thou shall not enter a relationship just because you desire companionship. It especially does not work if the relationship is long-distance to begin with. #thinkwithyourbrain

3. Thou shall embrace being alone and loneliness as a time to find your true self and perhaps a new hobby. #happyalone

4.Thou shall not compromise your beliefs, values, ideas, dreams, or desires in or for a relationship. #dontbeadummy

5. Thou shall listen to your intuition; you are more perceptive than you think. If you think something is not right, take time to find what it is, where it comes from, and how it can be alleviated. #womenbepyschic

6. Thou shall acknowledge and address red flags in a relationship; thou shall not ignore red flags under any circumstance no matter how small they may seem.* #redflagsnonononononono

7. Thou shall consider the feelings and emotions of your other (if you have an “other” that is) before making rash decisions in a relationship. (This can be applied to all relationships in your life - family, friends, co-workers, etc.) #empathyiscool

8. Thou shall accept that happiness in life also comes with sadness; without pain and suffering you cannot experience great joy. #hurtssogood

9. Thou shall accept that every relationship comes with ups and downs and can never be perfect. #whatgoesupmustcomedown

10. Thou shall find what truly makes you happy and pursue that happiness with intention. #eatcookies


No.



*Okay. A word on red flags. As a former Sexual Assault Resource Network educator, a red flag is usually considered a warning sign that you are potentially in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. (Click on this link for more info on red flags.) In terms of my 10 commandments, I am referring to red flags as something that may compromise or squelch who I am; my beliefs, values, ideas, desires, etc. But according to my 10 commandments a red flag can, without question, also be a warning sign that my relationship is indeed unhealthy or abusive. But I guess if there are red flags that my personal beliefs or whatever are being compromised then that is a sign of an unhealthy relationship too. So yeah....I feel like I am rambling nonsensically. Aaaaaanyway.

Also, I am trying to make sure I am not being contradictory or confusing with #6 and #9. I think this is the hardest thing to pin down in a relationship: whether or not hard times and/or disagreements and fights are a part of the natural ups and downs versus red flags in a relationship. That, in essence, is why it's important to have that relationship trial phase, right? Learn the ropes, your ropes, a partners ropes. We've all got ropes we're just not always sure which ones are secure enough to hold our weight. And according to Jay-Z in his book “Decoded” contradiction is a part of being human. So whatevs. I'm gonna contradict myself all over this blog.

Do you completely disagree with or have anything to add to my 10 commandments? Enlighten me, please. Let's talk about this. I've got loads of free time. In the meantime, I will be eating oreos.
Oh, and obviously, these are my 10 commandments on life & lurve. Maybe you should write your own that fit to your life. I think it's important.

Oh my gawd, you're killing me. Rob Lowe.